Warning: Explicit Cunt-tent!: An interesting chat with Cuntscrape's Lord Labia

When the good Lord says he just had your mum for breakfast, consider thyself blessed by the Holy Spirit. Because somewhere in the greasy underbelly of Australia (Perth actually) there resides a most noble and illustrious Lord, last name Labia, unrelated to either God Our Father or Ahriman from Dark Funeral, who fronteth a Grindsome musical unit called Cuntscrape...

Ahem! Now on to the action... Lord Labia is a cheery chap who spends days running his label (does Prime Cuts Music sound familiar?), nights playing gigs with his band, and the same nights offending Australian womanhood. While we here at Metal as Fuck normally run full feature articles, we didn't want to reduce your enjoyment of this torrid interview, so here it is in all its glory.

Awe stricken by the Lord's regal presence, yours truly managed a feeble inquiry about what he had for breakfast and whether he enjoyed it. 

'Oh for sure. Your mum tasted lovely this morning,' replied the Lord, thereby supplying a neat intro to this colorful feature.

Formed a bunch of years ago, Cuntscrape (who are Lord Labia on vo-kills, plus guitar tandem Sybian Machine and Schwingslayer, Depravia Majora behind the kit, and Sir Vixalot annihilating the bass) have been scraping a name for themselves elbow-to-elbow with Australia’s other grind luminaries. Asked if he could still remember when the whole grind circus opened its arms to him, Lord Labia only managed a rambling explanation:

'It wasn’t the arms that opened up for me, that’s for sure. My fascination with metal and oysters started in my teenage years. I discovered I loved metal and then discovered that I very much loved fluff, so why not combine the two loves and unmercifully mash them together?' he stated. 'I’ve been torridly fapping off to grind since the early nineties; that started off with legends such as early Napalm Death and Carcass and from there discovered such classic bands as Pungent Stench, Repulsion onto Bloodduster, Leng Tche, and fuckloads more. I don’t know if you would call it an epiphany but it certainly gave me a stiffany from day dot.'
 
On his band’s categorisation, he adds, 'You can call it whatever you like. It’s a big leaking mix of grind, thrash, death, groove, rock and even a splattering of black. I guess I mainly choose the ‘grind’ tag because of the don’t-really-give-a-fuck attitude of it all and in general grind doesn’t  really take itself too seriously. Which is very much us.'

But where—and how—did it all start? Does everyone who hear Cuntscrape ‘get it’?

'I’ve known all these spastics for years and they have all played in various bands in Perth over the years such as Maximum Perversion, The Furor, Choke, Pathogen, and Hated By Humanity. It really is an all star line-up that is quite sexy,' he explained. 'These bitches love being told what to do, and I love telling them what to do. I think most sacks get the joke. If not, grab a titty and a sense of humour. We have been bagged on forums and the likes, but hey, whatever. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and if it makes their day to insult me and the band, then go for it. As long as they are talking about us then it’s all nipples.'

Considering the shocking sexual nature of his music (like yeah, we’re really *shocked*), I wanted to know what kind of memorable shiznit goes down during a Cuntscrape gig. To which Lord Labia sheepishly admits: 'I do remember, and the way those two girls scissored each other was nothing short of bag melting. Cuntscrape gigs are simply brilliant and nothing but a good time for all involved. Every show is different and even we don’t know what to expect from ourselves when we play. We have many props that we use, distasteful samples, pads, tampons, blow up dicks, all kinds of eroticness. I don’t really recall any women walking out in disgust. But hey, if they did, that is truly tremendous.'

Forced to shed light on his peers, Lord Labia swallows humble pie for a brief second and hails his grind-mates, then veers off with a commentary on eugenics.

'The Aussie grind scene is small but tits. Of course there are bands like Captain Cleanoff and Bloodduster, but you should look out for others such as Ebolie, Kill A Celebrity, Blowtorch Abortion, Death By Deepthroat, Brazen Bull, and Granny Fist. I think we all share in common the possession of two extra chromozones. Downies have one, grinders have two. Everyone else can go get fucked.'

While the band may indeed elicit tons of laughs among us erotically-inclined metalheads, what do his parents think of Cuntscrape?

'My parents don’t think,' Lord Labia proclaimed. 'It’s better that way, and I also think that it’s better that no one’s parents knows about our band. Much like its probably better that parents don’t know (or think) that their own lovely daughters mouth has previously sucked crank (probably a lot) before it’s kissed their face.'
 
With a backgrounder done with, the conversation shifts to mundane matters such as the new Cuntscrape album released a coupla days ago and the vagaries of the music biz. Yours truly also wanted to know how Lord Labia’s crew landed their awesome label, Prime Cuts Music. That last bit elicited quite the sarcastic reply.

'I heard that prick from Prime Cunts* has been eating a lot better this year, so good for him. Hopefully his arse won’t fall out again,' he says. 'Cuntscrape actually came under their chin and not the wing in 2007, when the debut Thrush Bang Mania was first released. Strangely it was well received, and since then a second pressing has been administered. All Cuntscrape releases sell well, particularly overseas. Obviously there are more perverts in Spermany and the Czech Repubic than here.'

Lest matters get too vulgar, yours truly overcomes a few moments' awkward silence to ask about Cuntscrape's the new album, Papsmear Campaign.

'There are 23 songs in total and all of them are as smashing and tasty as a Peter North face blast!' Labia enthused. Some of my personal favourites are I Wanna Do It With A Midget, Fisterectomy, Pooch Gooch, Analrexic, The Great Unwashed, and Nutritional Paste. Each song has its own flavour and there is no way anyone can say that any two songs sound the same.'

Following the usual formula for band interviews, a bit of Cuntscrape’s studio work ethic also enters the verbal mix, which at first elicits a frank response.

'I’d much rather bathe elderly people than record. It is of course something that needs to be done if you want to extend your music to more people. The whole process is very time consuming and you think it is never going to end, but when it is finally done it is a very rewarding feeling.'

Asked whether one can bring food to a Cuntscrape session lest the musicans starve, Lord Labia gets on his high horse to preach righteousness by stating 'Eating is cheating'.

'None allowed and this is strictly adhered to during these serious times,' he says. 'Wild Turkey is the food of recording for Cuntscrape. If you are sober, you are not in your best condition for recording with this band. Before anything is recorded you must blow into a pipe for an alcohol reading. Anything under 0.18 is unacceptable and is punished by having to listen to KISS for one full song! Food, however, is allowed when laying cables.'

He then elaborates further after this scribe asked if Cuntscrape are the hardworking bunch since they don’t bring food inside the studio.

'Oh indeed, we strive to be hard. We work at our precious art 24/7, baby. The thought, training, practise, workouts, rehearsals we put ourselves through to make this band amazing is superhuman. We are all in peak condition right now.'

Considering the messy nature of grind, is there still band practice for the Almighty Cuntscrape?

'Indeed there is. We do it when we can and fit in around our busy schedules. It usually involves a nice supply of Wild Turkey, white wine, and beer. We hire a room for the day and bash out an assortment of our lovely hymns.'

With the shop talk over with, Lord Labia then begins to unravel the mysteries of womanhood, whose vajay-jays are the epicenter of the Cuntscrape sound. Would a chick be insulted if she be called a 'twat' instead?

'Maybe, depends on the girl. Most women are just as disgusting as men, they just tend to hide it better. And if they are insulted, I don’t care.'

Is Kylie Minogue the absolute sex?

'Musically, Kylie can be bashed against a bed post,' Labia snorted. 'As for her image, too many clothes. She is definitely a beautiful and stunning hot piece of Australian arse though and I would like to do nothing better than stove her dirtbox in and ruin it for everyone else.'

Any other notable sex icons worth mentioning?

'Kerri Anne Kennerly, Pauline Hanson, Jason Bloodduster, and Humphrey.'

Lastly, how about a vagina joke we could share with our mates?

'What do you call the piece of skin around a vagina? A WOMAN! Bash cunt.'

With the interview winding down, Lord Labia indulges this scribe’s curiosity regarding his privates and his hometown, Perth.

'My house looks like a raging fart and Sexxx Machine and Scwhingslayer are my current tenants. We work on our art vigorously and quite often listen to each others' conquests for inspiration.'

Being a metalhead to his very testicles, Lord Labia confirms the size of his, urm, private CD collection ('Yes it is quite large. Stupidly large actually'), then rattles off his eternal faves:; Entombed-Wolverine Blues, Pungent Stench-For God Your Soul For Me Your Flesh, At The Gates-Slaughter Of The Soul, any Meatshits album, Poison-Nothin But A Good Time. He then plugs the new album, Papsmear Campaign, specifically the means by which it can be bought. 'Of course at our upcoming shows on tour or other than that via our myspace (send us a message) or at Prime Cuts'. [note: Metal as Fuck will be stocking this as well - ed.]

Lastly, this scribe is curious about the strip clubs down at Perth (in case he visits, y’know?) so he puts the qestion to Lord Labia. That, and if willing females are abundant.

'Yes, there are one or two worth visiting where they display the oyster at an affordable price. Lots of nice restaurants but you won’t find any naked tit or cunt there, so why bother? You can find willing females anywhere. You really don’t have to look to hard this day and age as there are simply sluts everywhere.'

Cuntscrape's Papsmear Campaign is out now on Prime Cuts Music.

*Lord Labia is the nom-de-plume of the owner/manager of Prime Cuts - Ed.