Before we begin, let’s get one thing straight, these guys can play, no doubt about it. They are very, very good at what they do. BUT they are also very, very boring at what they do. There’s no passion here at all, just a lot of clever licks, pretentious tunes and a ‘trick’ voice that really is nothing more than singing clean and then dirty.
But I think I’ve worked out what’s going on.
Remember the kid in your maths class who always knew the answers, who sat up the front and didn’t even need a calculator to work out the hardest questions? And remember how every lunch time you’d grab him outside the toilet block and make him view the blue goldfish? I mean for a smart kid he never quite worked out to stay away from the toilets did he? Well, Five Star Prison Cell remember those days and they are getting their own back on us now. Because, despite the tattoos and tough boy appearances, this is a band of maths nerds inflicting their revenge on anyone who ever stuck their head down the toilet bowl in search of that blue goldfish.
They’ve learnt to play instruments in much the same way they would look at a maths problem - analyze, solve and move onto the next challenge. Throw in a wanky pseudo political band name, some tediously pretentious lyrics, a lot of “aren’t I clever” playing and a strong streak of misogyny (after all, maths nerds never got the girls did they, and with puerile songs like Lamia, never will). And hey presto – Math Metal. But regardless of how many tats they get, how many albums they release, how many devil’s horns they get to throw, deep down these boys are always going to know that one day someone is going to show them the blue goldfish again. It can’t be soon enough.
(Oh and as a disclaimer, I was a maths nerd but I was also smart enough – or at least cunning enough – to never see the blue goldfish.)
Five Star Prison Cell's Matriarch is out now on Riot! Entertainment.